Alcoholic Selfishness | Are Alcoholics Selfish?

Family members and friends of people struggling with alcoholism often describe feeling hurt, neglected, and pushed aside. They watch their loved one prioritize drinking over relationships, responsibilities, and promises. Plans get canceled, money disappears, lies pile up, and the same destructive patterns repeat over and over. Many people who live with or love an alcoholic notice similar behaviors, such as missed family events, broken commitments, emotional unavailability, and choices that seem to put alcohol above everything else. This pattern of behavior is often called “alcoholic selfishness.”

So are alcoholics actually selfish people? On the surface, the answer appears to be yes. Choosing to drink despite knowing it hurts the people they love, spending money on alcohol instead of family needs, and breaking promises repeatedly certainly look selfish. However, like most things involving addiction, the real answer is far more complicated.

Are Alcoholics Selfish?

Selfish people are everywhere—it is a behavior unique to all human beings, not just those with alcohol use and drug use issues. However, the nature of addiction can lead people to behave with a certain self-centeredness and end up hurting those around them.

Because alcoholism does not have a “type”, the causes of selfish behaviors won’t look the same in each person.

Some of the reasons for alcoholic selfishness might be:

• unhealthy upbringing
• lack of appropriate coping skills
• abusive parents
• mental health issues
• being neglected by caregivers
• history of relationship abuse
• abandonment issues
• sense of entitlement

Often, a person struggling with alcoholism is attempting to numb whatever they are feeling or to avoid their own experiences. This compulsion to consume alcohol can end up leaving loved ones feeling hurt and taken advantage of.

Alcoholism can also result in a significant amount of guilt and negative emotions. This can lead to feeling so overwhelmed that they throw their hands up and say, “It doesn’t matter anymore, no one sees what I am trying to do” or “I keep trying and I just can’t stop drinking”.

After repeated attempts to stop drinking, each failure can pile on top of the last. Feeling miserable about the state of things can lead to self-pity. Misery can also manifest into selfishness. The majority of selfish behaviors in alcoholics are observably negative, but some behaviors are positive. A person feeling extreme guilt over their alcohol use might decide to give gifts to their loved ones. While this may be less harmful than anger or frustrated behaviors, it is still selfish.

Is Alcoholic Selfishness Permanent?

In a perfect situation, a person struggling with alcoholism will stop drinking and attend a substance abuse rehab. Treatment programs are important because they address how multifaceted addiction truly is. Speaking to a counselor or an addiction treatment specialist can help people to recognize and address issues they may not have acknowledged before. Managing and resolving these issues can help a person successfully navigate sobriety.

Alcoholic selfishness does not have to be permanent. Putting in the work and finding better coping skills can help a person change these negative attributes. Alcoholic selfishness is also not a mental illness and it does not make a person a narcissist.

Alcoholic Selfishness And Dry Drunk Syndrome

When a person is able to stop drinking but doesn’t work to make lasting behavioral or emotional changes to themselves, it can be harmful. Those that remain aggressive, selfish, mean, or continue to exhibit other narcissistic traits are often referred to as “dry drunks”. These individuals continue to act how they did when they were drinking, but without alcohol. They can come off as angry, easily agitated, rude, and often judgmental.

Recovery takes work, and while quitting drinking is a very important first step, sobriety is more than just putting down the bottle.

Decreasing Alcoholic Selfishness

There are a number of ways a person can learn to be more selfless, especially in recovery. Addiction treatment specialists understand that selfishness tends to be common in addiction. Changing selfish behavior is an important part of the healing process. There are self-help books that help outline how to change selfish behaviors. Many organizations advocate for a Higher Power to help them change selfish behaviors.

Whatever option, it is important to recognize the behaviors they intend to change and work towards doing just that. When a person sees the changes they want to make, working toward them can increase self-esteem and well-being.

Does Sobriety Help Selfishness?

Getting sober is helpful in the journey of recovery. Alcohol keeps a cloud over the mind of an addict, and removing that cloud can help them to see the issues alcohol has caused. Once free of alcohol, a person may realize that their behaviors were self-focused and harmful to those around them. Changing those behaviors can start once the person has stopped abusing alcohol or drugs.

Addiction is a compulsion that causes uncontrollable urges. This type of behavior is often seen as selfish. Once free of the physical dependency on alcohol, the behaviors that follow addiction can be addressed.

Selfishness In Sobriety

Struggling with addiction can change who a person is, sometimes permanently. Even when they become sober, they may not be the person that they used to be. This can be hard for loved ones, especially if they assumed that their family member would return to the old version of themselves.

Not only can addiction change someone, but being sober can have unanticipated challenges. This may require a person in recovery to be actively self-centered. Being self-aware and focused can make the difference between sobriety and a relapse. Understanding the new needs of a loved one in recovery can help everyone. A degree of selfishness may be required to help them remain sober. They are simply doing what is best for them.

For example, attending a support group meeting or 12-step program (such as Alcoholics Anonymous or AA) may feel like a requirement for staying sober. With additional obligations, such as picking up kids from school, or going to the grocery store after work, saying “I can’t do that because I have a meeting” can seem selfish. To loved ones, it can seem like the newly sober person is using their sobriety or AA meetings to avoid responsibilities. This is not the case. In fact, the person is likely working hard to maintain sobriety, not intentionally trying to hurt anyone.

It may be important for loved ones to attend a support group, like Al-Anon, to learn how their role in recovery may affect their addicted loved one.

Addiction Treatment Centers And Selfishness

Professional addiction treatment doesn’t just help people stop drinking, it also addresses the harmful behavioral patterns that developed during active addiction, including selfishness. Quality outpatient or inpatient rehab programs recognize that alcoholics need to rebuild their ability to consider others, take responsibility for their actions, and repair damaged relationships. At the same time, treatment teaches a healthy form of self-care that’s necessary for lasting recovery.

Treatment approaches that address selfish behaviors include:

• Individual Therapy: One-on-one counseling helps clients understand how their drinking affected others and develop empathy and accountability for their actions.
• Family Therapy: Joint sessions with loved ones allow everyone to express hurt feelings, set boundaries, and begin rebuilding trust in a safe, mediated environment.
• Group Therapy: Hearing feedback from peers in recovery helps alcoholics see their selfish patterns more clearly and learn from others working on similar issues.
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): This therapy identifies the thought patterns that led to selfish choices and teaches healthier ways of thinking and responding to stress.
• 12-Step Programs: Programs like Alcoholics Anonymous include making amends to people who were hurt, which directly addresses past selfish behavior.
• Life Skills Training: Learning practical skills like budgeting, time management, and communication helps people balance their own needs with responsibilities to others.
• Relapse Prevention Planning: Treatment teaches how to maintain sobriety while also being present for family, keeping a job, and fulfilling commitments.

Recovery requires finding a balance between necessary self-care and consideration for others. People in early sobriety must prioritize their recovery, which often includes attending meetings, going to therapy, avoiding triggers, all of which can initially feel selfish to family members who want their loved one back immediately. However, this healthy focus on sobriety is actually the opposite of addiction-driven selfishness.

Treatment helps both the recovering alcoholic and their family understand that putting recovery first is what makes it possible to eventually show up fully for the people they love.

Written by the Addiction Resource Editorial Staff